Opening My Life



I finally painted and put books in the library!!!
It is getting there but I have a few more things to do.





Filtered tadpoles



Mwita, family member and student, gathering
firewood for mama to make the daily porridge

My Form 2 student, James Mwita,
hoisting the Tanzanian flag.

 

Our after-school English Book Club

For these past two months of January and February, as many have said before about their work, I have felt like I have been trying to empty the ocean with an eyedropper. I don’t know if everything about living in a third world country just caught up with me all of a sudden, but life has been rough. However, my wonderful mother sent me a book for Valentine’s Day entitled Kisses from Katie, and it couldn’t have arrived at a more perfect time. This other Katie, straight out of high school, moved to Uganda to teach kindergarten and care for orphans living in extreme poverty. As I was reading, I couldn’t help but think she somehow knew everything I was feeling and experiencing: every hardship, every disappointment, every challenge, and even every joy. Katie writes,

“My human flesh still sometimes wanted to go to the mall and spend a ridiculous amount of money on a cute pair of shoes. Sometimes I just wanted to turn off my brain and watch mindless television. Sometimes I wanted to hop into my convertible, go to the grocery store, and pick out any kind of food that my heart desired. Most days, I wished I could wake up under my down comforter in a house with my loving family, not all by myself. I wanted to go to the gym; I wanted my hair to look nice; I wanted to be allowed to wear jeans. I wanted to be a normal teenager living in America, sometimes. But I wanted other things more. All the time. I wanted to be spiritually and emotionally filled every day of my life. I wanted to be loved and cuddled by a hundred children and never go a day without laughing. I wanted to wake up to a rooster’s crow and open my eyes to see lush green trees that seemed to pulse with life against a piercing blue sky and the rusty red soil of Uganda. I wanted to be challenged endlessly; I wanted to be learning and growing every minute. I wanted to be taught by those I teach, and I wanted to share God’s love with people who otherwise might not know it. I wanted to work so hard that I ended every day filthy and too tired to move. I wanted to feel needed, important, and used by the Lord. I wanted to make some kind of difference, no matter how small, and I wanted to follow the calling God had placed on my heart. I wanted to give my life away, to serve the Lord with each breath, each second. At the end of the day, no matter how hard, I wanted to be right here in Uganda.

Nothing about living in Africa is easy. Just like the other Katie, some days I just want my hair not even to look nice but just be clean. Somehow frogs got into our well of rain water and had lots of baby tadpoles. So…we had to come up with a filtering system using a piece of thin cloth to catch all the tadpoles just so I could wash my hair. I feel terrible every time about killing all the little squiggling tadpoles left on top of the cloth fighting for their lives, but it has been them or my hair. It also has not rained in over a month at least, so you can just imagine all the dust generated from the dirt roads and fields. It is especially bad when the Dala Dalas fly by down the road leaving me in a storm of thick dust that settles right in my hair, on my face, and on my clothes. Then, there is the dirty tadpole water I have to fetch to wash it all off with. Also, like Katie, I am very grateful for the rooster that lives outside my window, but it doesn’t exactly crow when I want to be woken up; it starts much, much earlier. Sometimes, I just want to wear pants as well instead of ankle-length skirts and shirts that keep my shoulders covered. I want teaching to be easier with more resources. The problems with the school system in general are a whole blog in itself. Quickly however, I did kick over half of my students out of class after the first test to slash grass by hand because they all failed. I know you are thinking that may have been a little harsh, but I wanted them to know that they can do better than failing and to expect more of themselves, because I expect more of them. The grading scale for Tanzania is 0-20 F, 21-40 D, 41-59 C, 60-79 B, and 80-100 A. Ridiculous I know. Basically, you can pass with knowing 20% of the information taught. The government is basically telling the students that they don’t think they can succeed or do better than those expectations. I hate it.  I want to go to the gym. I want to bake cookies. I want to take a warm shower for just one day. I want to throw my clothes in the washing machine and dryer instead of hand washing them for hours. I want to sleep without a mosquito net. I want to wake up to something familiar. I want to watch TV to forget everything I am worried about just for an hour. But like Katie, I want other things more. I want my students to learn English so they have the opportunity to bring change to their country and families. I want the girls in my class to know that they too have a voice that needs to be heard. I want to be hugged, hit, made dirty, and smiled at with beautiful white teeth by my kids at home. I want to know that my life is not just for me, but that it is being spent for others. I want God to be the center of my universe. I want to say yes to His calling on my life. I want to be exactly where I am, challenged on every side, but full on joy

“God will never give you more than you can handle.” I am sure I have said it to someone, as well as heard it many times throughout my life. Although it is meant to be encouraging, I have come to feel that more often than not, God absolutely and intentionally gives us much more than we can or want to handle. Many times during these past eight months, I have definitely been given more than I alone could handle. I am sure God loved every second of it. He probably has many more obstacles planned. It is in these circumstances and places though that when we surrender to the knowledge that we can do nothing in our own strength that he takes over proving himself by doing the impossible in our lives. This occurs so we may have no doubt who is in control, that we may see his grace and his faithfulness in our inadequacies, weaknesses, and failures. There are many days that I think that what I am doing is ludicrous while my friends and family are in the states with so many comforts and jobs that actually pay money. I worry about how I am going to pay for food, or get into town, or try to give something to everyone who wants candy, money, pens, exercise books, ect. in my village and school, or what I am going to do when I arrive home. I cannot save my own life much less everyone else’s. Some days I am physically, mentally, and spiritually exhausted. Then, I read Matthew 16:25 that says, “When you try to save your own life, your own desires, you will lose. But when you decide to put aside your desires, to lose your life for me, you will find it.” I think I am only at the beginning of understanding anything about that verse.

Paul writes as well in 2 Corinthians 6:10-13 (The Message)

“People are watching us as we stay at our post, alertly, unswervingly…in hard times, tough times, bad times; when we’re beaten up, jailed, and mobbed; working hard, working late, working without eating; with pure heart, clear head, steady hand; in gentleness, holiness, and honest love; when we’re telling the truth, and when God’s showing his power; when we’re doing our best setting things right; when we’re praised, and when we’re blamed; slandered, and honored; true to our word, though distrusted; ignored by the world, but recognized by God; terrifically alive, though rumored to be dead; beaten within an inch of our lives, but refusing to die; immersed in tears, yet always filled with deep joy; living on handouts, yet enriching many; having nothing, having it all. Dear, dear Corinthians, I can’t tell you how much I long for you to enter this wide-open, spacious life. We didn’t fence you in. The smallness you feel comes from within you. Your lives aren’t small, but you’re living them in a small way. I’m speaking as plainly as I can and with great affection. Open up your lives. Live openly and expansively!

I want to live openly and expansively. I didn’t exactly mean to open up my life to so much difficulty, but at least it is open. I am literally living on handouts, but hopefully they are enriching many. I do have pretty much nothing, but I have it all at the same time. I am working hard, but for God’s children. God is faithful and good, and it is these traits about Him that allow me to trust him with my life, allow me to make it to the next day, and literally just breathe.

I love you and miss you all, Katie